


Self Reflection

by pirateghost



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirateghost/pseuds/pirateghost
Summary: Tommy has a lot of time to himself during exile and he realizes a couple of things.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	Self Reflection

A self realization was necessary, Tommy thinks. Through the days both alone and accompanied by a person he found less of a reason to speak. As loud as he was, nobody knew the burning his throat faced at the end of everyday, they didn't see how exhausted he was from just speaking. It got him places, places he didn't want to be. Without Tubbo, without a real home, speaking got Dream as a friend. 

Ranboo every so often gave him that pleasure of complaining. Their mail switches became more scarce but he was just grateful there was something, someone, that needed his feelings to simply exist. Not a peep from Tubbo. Shadows replaced what he couldn't see. Distant smiles and the comfort came from objects, he needed someone to pull him out of his own mind. 

Over time he lost the will to continue fighting. Lost what he once wanted so badly. Acceptance came so naturally to him. Wilbur was dead, he was alone, nobody needed him, nobody wanted him. Maybe a little depressing but Tommy was already finding the idea of throwing himself over a cliff in the nether entertaining. Edging closer and closer to the bubbling lava, it gave him an old thrill. 

Exile showed him he wasn't a good person. Bitter and rotten, he figured maybe everyone leaving him was for the best. Trying, trying to think of how much life would be better if he didn't constantly put the negative first. How much life would've been different if he had just accepted this world fucking sucks. What would happen if he just forgot about the strings he attached to himself and forgot all who wronged him. Tommy doesn't know why the hell he couldn't just, leave, why he forced himself to stay. For who? Why was he staying?

His first exile was easier. Wilbur was there, hardly, but he still breathed with the faint desperation to complete his dream. Techno was there. Tubbo still had faith in him. Tommy didn't want to give up just yet. 

A log, the mascot, pulled him out of his thoughts. Maybe he’ll try and speak again tomorrow. Maybe he’ll try and fix himself next week. The log whispers soft comforts, ‘Try again tomorrow, you'll get it next time’. He wondered if he would find that spark again. 

He wanted the confidence he once had so strongly. A voice that pushed him through thick and thin. Tommy didn't want the doubt and hesitation he felt constantly. On top of the tower, built from exhaustion and the want to stop feeling, that confidence came back. 

Jump.

And, so he did. 

Hit the water. 

And, so he did. 

Mad that he was still alive yet fighting for air. Rage engulfed him while tears of complete joy overwhelmed him. Wet and tired, he was glad he was alive. Adrenaline pulled him from the water, shaking with the urge to fight, to try, to run and save his friend from becoming what all L’manberg presidents turned out to be. 

If he hesitated, nobody needed to know. If he was overwhelmed, he would let it. If he was tired, he wouldn't stop. Self hatred ran deep in his bones but the well known feeling soon stopped leaving him feel heavy. It was easier to deal with the want to die when you know you want to die. It was easier to deal with the fact you are a terrible person when you know it. Tommy knew himself better than he ever has and God he never thought it would feel so refreshing. 

Thinking of Techno, he wondered if he still held a sort of familiar feeling towards him. Faintly, Tommy hoped the man would accept him, for one last time, trust him.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you <3


End file.
